Trump Slaps Tariffs on Canada and Mexico Because, Well, Someone Has to Pay for Fentanyl
Trump hits pause on trade war, declares it a drug war instead, and casually flirts with annexing Canada.
The former-and-now-again President agreed to a 30-day pause on his tariffs against Mexico and Canada after securing promises that his neighbors would step up their border enforcement efforts.
The deal, which was announced via social media posts, ensures that North America will avoid a trade war—at least until Trump changes his mind again.
A Trade War, But Make It a Drug War
While the world braced for the economic equivalent of a bar fight between the U.S. and its two biggest trading partners, Trump clarified that this wasn't about trade at all.
"Read the executive order where President Trump was absolutely, 100% clear that this is not a trade war,” said Kevin Hassett, director of the White House National Economic Council. “This is a drug war.”
Apparently, economic growth and inflation are mere side quests in the grand narrative of Trump's second coming. The real battle? Stopping fentanyl, illegal immigration, and, one assumes, any country that dares have a trade surplus with the United States.
To appease Trump, Canadian Prime Minister Justin Trudeau announced a “fentanyl czar,” pledged to label Mexican cartels as terrorist organizations, and launched a Canada-U.S. Joint Strike Force to tackle organized crime.
Meanwhile, Mexico’s President Claudia Sheinbaum, after what Trump described as a "very friendly conversation," committed to deploying 10,000 National Guard troops to reinforce her northern border, an homage to the last time Mexico had to fend off Trump’s tariff tantrums in 2019.
Canada Almost Gets Tariffed Into Oblivion
While Mexico secured a deal fairly quickly, Canada was left sweating as Trump seemed less than interested in negotiations.
When asked Monday what Canada could offer to avoid tariffs, Trump shrugged and said, “I don’t know.” He then casually suggested that the U.S. should just annex Canada as its 51st state—because why not?
Trump also reignited his long-standing beef with America’s polite northern neighbor, ranting on social media that “Canada doesn’t even allow U.S. banks to open or do business there! What’s that all about?” Indeed, of all the pressing geopolitical issues of our time, Trump seems uniquely fixated on the injustices of cross-border banking regulations.
China, You’re Still On the Hook
While Mexico and Canada have temporarily dodged economic catastrophe, China was not so lucky. A 10% tariff on Chinese imports remains on schedule, with Trump promising to discuss matters directly with President Xi Jinping. His tone suggested that, if negotiations go poorly, he might just double the tariffs out of spite—or demand that China also hire a fentanyl czar.
And in case there wasn’t enough trade chaos already, Trump ominously hinted that tariffs on European Union countries were next. “If we can’t make a deal with China, then the tariffs will be very, very substantial,” he warned, presumably as the global economy collectively sighed.
What’s Next? Chaos, Probably
For now, markets are teetering between panic and optimism as they attempt to decipher Trump’s latest maneuver. Investors, business leaders, and consumers are preparing for what might be the start of a revolving door of tariffs, lifted tariffs, and re-imposed tariffs, depending on how Trump feels after his morning Diet Coke.
In the meantime, Mexico and Canada have 30 days to prove their worth before Trump decides if their economies deserve another round of economic brinkmanship. And if all else fails, Canada might just wake up one day to find itself forcefully inducted as America's newest state, led by Governor Trudeau, reporting to President Trump.
Za-Head