The United States Government Gets a Silicon Valley Hostile Takeover
With interns, AI surveillance, and a DOGE-themed bureaucracy, Elon Musk is reshaping the federal workforce like it’s just another Twitter purge.
Yesterday, I talked about President Elon Musk’s ‘Fork in the Road’ ultimatum email to federal employees offering them something that sounds like a buy out but is more like a slow motion “you’re fired.”
Today, I come with more juicy details and “a logical conclusion to late-stage capitalism.”
President Musk has officially annexed the U.S. Office of Personnel Management (OPM), transforming it from a mundane HR agency into what sources are calling a “Silicon Valley fever dream.”
President Musk, fresh off his conquest of Twitter, has reportedly staffed the OPM with a crew so eclectic it could double as a “who’s who” of a tech conference gone rogue.
Among the new appointees: a Neuralink summer intern, a 21-year-old Palantir disciple, a former Boring Company engineer who previously managed traffic in underground tunnels, and a guy whose last listed work experience was fixing bicycles.
If this sounds like the plot of a dystopian satire, you’re not alone—one expert has already compared the restructuring to “Stalinism, but make it tech-bro.”
Welcome to the United States DOGE Service
Trump’s executive orders have rechristened the U.S. Digital Service as the “United States DOGE Service,” a name Musk reportedly insisted upon because “DOGE is the future of governance.”
While previous administrations may have used OPM to manage the federal workforce, Musk’s version appears to be laser-focused on one goal: aggressive, AI-powered layoffs.
“There’s a much more sophisticated plan to monitor and enforce loyalty than in the first term,” warned University of Michigan professor Don Moynihan, who stopped just short of asking if the government was about to get a rating system akin to Uber drivers.
Adding fuel to the paranoia, reports surfaced last week that federal employees were receiving emails encouraging them to snitch on colleagues engaged in diversity, equity, and inclusion work—through an official OPM inbox titled DEIAtruth@opm.gov.
“This reminded me of Soviet Stalinism,” said Harvard professor Steven Kelman, who apparently hadn’t anticipated that tech billionaires would one day reinvent gulags using AI-powered spreadsheets.
HR, But Make It a Palantir-Fueled Nightmare
At the heart of the chaos is Schedule F, a policy that could reclassify thousands of career civil servants as political appointees, making it easier to purge disloyal workers and replace them with, say, a guy who once coded a CAPTCHA solver at a hackathon.
The alleged mastermind behind this initiative? A 21-year-old former Palantir intern.
Meanwhile, Musk’s consigliere Steve Davis—who helped orchestrate the mass layoffs at X—has reportedly been advising the administration on how to apply the same “scorched-earth” playbook to federal employees.
“It is difficult in the federal government to actually evaluate who is performing well or performing poorly,” admitted Moynihan. “So doing it on some sort of mass automated scale using AI… is an invitation to make errors.”
To which Musk allegedly responded, “That’s what the edit button is for.”
The Final Boss of Bureaucracy
If all of this sounds alarming, don’t worry—Musk has a plan. The final phase of his OPM takeover involves replacing traditional civil service job applications with an X Premium subscription requirement and deploying Neuralink chips to monitor “engagement.”
Sources close to the administration claim Musk’s long-term vision for the federal workforce includes flamethrower-equipped compliance officers, mandatory meme proficiency tests, and a DOGE-based payment system for government salaries.
As for the employees who aren’t terminated by AI-powered mass firings?
Well, let’s just say those tunnels Musk built under Las Vegas may soon serve a new purpose.
If today’s absurdity didn’t break you, congrats—you’re built different.
Za-Head