Government Efficiency Department Shocked to Learn Government Actually Does Things
Government’s new efficiency department learns the hard way that cutting jobs doesn’t make the country run itself.
President Trump kicked off his second term by launching the Department of Government Efficiency (DOGE)—a name that suggests either a love for viral memes or an ironic lack of self-awareness.
In true Trumpian fashion, the first order of business was a sweeping federal hiring freeze, excluding only those who enforce immigration laws and ensure national security because those are the only two things that matter in governance.
But the real showstopper came eight days later when federal employees received an email so profoundly out of touch that a Silicon Valley bro might as well have written explaining why libraries should be privatized.
“The way to greater American prosperity is encouraging people to move from lower productivity jobs in the public sector to higher productivity jobs in the private sector.”
Yes, you read that right. The administration essentially tried to convince federal employees to quit on the assumption that their jobs were just bureaucratic noise clogging up the free market.
Unfortunately for DOGE, most public servants like keeping the country functional, and only a handful took the bait.
A Decades-Old Idea That Still Doesn’t Work
If slashing government jobs to “improve efficiency” sounds familiar, we already tried it in the ‘80s and ‘90s—and the results were as underwhelming as a low-budget sequel.
Instead of reducing inefficiencies, the cuts led to private contractors stepping in to do the same jobs with even less oversight and at a more significant cost.
Meanwhile, in today’s reality, the so-called bloated government is suffering from dangerous vacancies in key areas:
There are not enough air traffic controllers to keep up with commercial flights.
Firefighters ditching the U.S. Forest Service faster than tourists fleeing Yellowstone after spotting a bear.
There is a shortage of housing specialists, which is great news if you dream of navigating the housing market with the thrill of an escape room.
This isn’t just about bureaucratic sluggishness but actual safety hazards.
A gutted workforce means longer waits for passports, dangerous roads, higher risks of food contamination, and a worsening customer service experience at VA.
The DOGE Playbook: Insult, Sabotage, Complain
Rather than addressing these fundamental problems, DOGE has opted for a bold strategy of hostility, referring to public servants as the “opposing team” or, poetically, “a ball of worms.”
Instead of supporting government employees already working on efficiency, DOGE has blocked hiring much-needed specialists. Ironically, the people they are sidelining were actually making government work better—whether by reducing red tape, modernizing systems, or preventing disasters before they happen.
For example, if DOGE truly cared about efficiency, they would be scaling up (not dismantling) teams that have:
Saved 21 million hours of Americans’ time by simplifying bureaucratic processes.
Revolutionized trade by digitizing ocean shipping data, allowing goods to clear customs faster.
Expanded access to life-saving medication instead of making it a Hunger Games-style challenge.
Instead, the administration is too busy starving the government into submission, convinced that if they cut enough jobs, the private sector will magically swoop in and handle things… for profit, of course.
The Future of Governance: A Functioning System or a Private-Sector Free-for-All?
This isn’t just about efficiency—it’s about the fundamental role of government in American life. While certain politicians fantasize about a libertarian utopia where Amazon Prime delivers fire department services, most Americans agree that we want a working government.
The real challenge isn’t gutting the workforce—it’s investing in the people, processes, and policies that allow the government to function. Because no matter how much you try to shrink it, reality still exists—and at some point, someone has to process Social Security checks, inspect food for salmonella, and ensure airplanes don’t crash into each other.
Perhaps DOGE should take a page from their book and streamline its most inefficient aspect: its philosophy.
Za-Head, Chaos Analyst.