Fork in the Road: Elon Musk's One-Click Plan to Shrink the Government
Federal employees given an ultimatum: Take the buyout and leave, or brace for the new era of loyalty-driven bureaucracy.
Hello from Philadelphia, where I am in town for 2 weeks for work training. I have a day job.
Speaking of jobs, in an unprecedented act of government downsizing that makes corporate layoffs look like a farewell party with cake and balloons, the Elon Musk has given every federal employee a once-in-a-lifetime opportunity: Take a buyout and leave your job by next week—or stick around for the inevitable bureaucratic Hunger Games.
According to a memo from the Office of Personnel Management (OPM) written by Elon Musk, federal employees have until February 6 to decide if they want to take the “golden parachute” of seven months’ salary—or risk being swept up in Trump’s grand vision of an ultra-lean, ultra-loyal federal government.
The offer is simple: Open the email, hit “Reply,” type “Resign”, and boom—you’re free. No exit interviews, no awkward goodbyes, just a swift and efficient ejection from the swamp.
“You're Fired” as a Government Policy
President Trump, who once made firing contestants a prime-time spectacle, is now attempting the greatest workforce reshuffle in American history.
While his first administration took baby steps in reshaping the federal workforce, this second term is ripping the Band-Aid off with executive orders that make past government shake-ups look like minor desk rearrangements.
With over 3 million employees in the federal government, even a fraction of them taking the buyout could send shockwaves through the nation’s essential services.
Imagine a future where air travel becomes a DIY experience, meat inspections become optional, and federal loan applications are reviewed by a chatbot trained on a 2014 version of Google Translate.
Yet, in Trump’s vision, this is a feature, not a bug.
OPM’s memo makes it clear: federal employees must return to the office five days a week—no more cushy telework! And while “excellence” will be “insisted upon,” the real message is clear: loyalty is the new competency.
Schedule F, But Make It Permanent
The most shocking part of the memo isn’t just the voluntary purge; it’s the resurrection of Schedule F, the much-maligned reclassification scheme that allows thousands of federal employees to be turned into political appointees—without pesky job protections.
Biden rescinded it in 2021, but Trump is bringing it back like a ‘90s sitcom reboot, with an even sharper script.
For those unfamiliar, Schedule F (or its new rebranded name, “Schedule Career/Policy”) essentially lets agency heads hand-pick employees, removing traditional civil service protections and making mass firings of career bureaucrats as easy as blocking someone on Twitter.
Under this new executive order, Biden’s regulations protecting federal employees were simply… erased. As if they never existed. Who needs Congress when you have a delete button?
Pressuring the Disloyal? Or Just Streamlining?
Naturally, labor unions aren’t thrilled.
Everett Kelley, president of the American Federation of Government Employees, likened this move to a political purge, where only the most Trump-friendly bureaucrats will remain. “This isn’t about efficiency,” he warned, “this is about loyalty tests.” But for Trump, that might be the entire point.
The administration argues that the deep state needs a deep cleanse, and this is simply the government operating as it should—leaner, meaner, and fully aligned with executive priorities.
Of course, what happens when agencies tasked with crucial oversight, safety, and national security suddenly find themselves hollowed out remains “TBD.”
How Will This End?
Whether this radical restructuring of government turns into a bureaucratic nightmare or the ultimate efficiency hack remains to be seen. But for now, federal employees face a tough choice: Stick around and risk the new “standards of conduct” (read: ideological conformity), or take the cash and go.
And if you’re one of the 3 million affected employees wondering how to proceed, just remember: To exit the government, all you have to do is hit “Reply” and type “Resign.” Because in 2025, even quitting your job comes with a quick, transactional efficiency that only Trump could bring to Washington.
Be smart. Don’t take the bait.
Za-Head