Elon Musk’s Minions Are Running the Government Like a Failing Tech Startup
Federal agencies are being downsized, AI is taking over and sleeping pods are back.
In my previous life, I used to follow tech startups like a hawk. I also worked at a few myself so believe me when I say this, Elon Musk is behaving like he is running a tech startup.
His personal entourage—including former Twitter squatters, ex-Tesla engineers, and even a random Harvard student—has taken control of the General Services Administration (GSA), the federal agency responsible for government buildings and technology.
And like any good corporate raiders, Musk’s team isn’t there to optimize workflows or streamline bureaucracy.
No, their mission is much grander: to shrink, gut, and possibly replace the entire federal government with an AI-powered, sleep-deprived, hacker-house experiment.
The Department of Government Efficiency (DOGE) Is Real. No, Seriously.
At the helm of this Black Mirror episode is Musk’s Department of Government Efficiency (DOGE)—which, yes, is a real thing, and no, it is not satire (yet).
DOGE's ambitious plan includes slashing GSA spending by 50%, selling off federal real estate like it's a liquidation sale, and replacing government contractors with AI tools that probably get their ethics training from X.com comment sections.
And who’s in charge of this efficiency revolution?
Nicole Hollander, a former Twitter executive who once literally lived in Twitter HQ with her newborn baby, is now pulling the strings at GSA.
Her husband, Steve Davis, another Twitter HQ camper, now leads DOGE—because apparently, living in an office is the new Harvard MBA.
Thomas Shedd, an ex-Tesla software engineer, is now running the government’s tech transformation.
Ethan Shaotran, a Harvard undergrad who participated in an xAI hackathon, somehow has access to GSA records spanning 10 years of government accounting data. (Nothing screams “secure government operations” like a college student on a side quest.)
One anonymous GSA employee summed it up:
"They are acting like this is a takeover of a tech company.”
Oh honey, it is.
Musk’s Crew Is Now Hacking… the Federal Government
Musk’s team is already making bold moves, like trying to gain IT access using White House security credentials—because why stop at Twitter when you can take over government laptops?
Sources say they’re also pushing Google Gemini and AI coding assistants into the government’s workflow, probably so Musk can eventually replace bureaucrats with a chatbot that just responds with “absolute unit” and “take the L.”
But wait, it gets better.
Sleeping Pods: Because Every Workplace Needs a Hostel Vibe
If the government downsizing wasn’t weird enough, Musk’s team is now recreating their Twitter HQ crash pad at the GSA.
Hollander has reportedly requested “resting rooms” for her elite team, echoing her Twitter days when employees were instructed never to put anything in writing about the office hotel rooms (except for, you know, the lawsuit that followed).
Between the sleeping pods, the mass layoffs, and the AI integration, GSA is no longer a government agency. It’s just WeWork, but for the federal government.
What’s Next?
With Musk’s minions firmly entrenched in the government, expect more cuts, more AI, and more Silicon Valley nonsense.
Next on the agenda:
Automating government contracts with an AI named "GrimesGPT"
Relocating the entire GSA to a Boring Company tunnel
Renaming Washington, D.C. to "X-ville"
Offering verified checkmarks instead of security clearances
For now, the fate of the GSA—and potentially, the federal workforce—rests in the hands of Musk’s loyalists. The government isn’t being dismantled. It’s just being optimized… to death.
Za-Head