Elon Musk Just Bought America’s Checkbook and Possibly Your Social Security Number
Musk’s “efficiency” squad now has access to trillions in federal payments—what could possibly go wrong?
Elon Musk, the man who once promised us hyperloops and instead gave us a tunnel for Teslas to sit in traffic, has now allegedly acquired access to one of the most sensitive financial systems in the world: the U.S. Treasury’s federal payment network.
That’s right, the same guy who can’t make a Cybertruck window shatterproof is now in a position where he could theoretically halt your grandma’s Social Security check.
Sleep well, America.
What’s Happening?
According to reports from The New York Times and The Wall Street Journal, Treasury Secretary Scott Bessent—who, fun fact, was just confirmed on Monday—decided that Musk and his makeshift government cosplay group, the "Department of Government Efficiency" (DOGE), should have full access to the Treasury’s financial nerve center.
You know, because when you think "government efficiency," you definitely think of a guy who runs a company where engineers sleep under their desks to meet deadlines that never materialize.
This decision was met with resistance from David Lebryk, a longtime Treasury official who thought, perhaps reasonably, that giving an eccentric billionaire access to trillions of dollars was a bad idea.
Naturally, he was swiftly put on “leave” before suddenly deciding to retire—an absolutely normal series of events that in no way screams “forced out for doing his job.”
So, What Can Musk Actually Do With This Power?
Well, technically, Musk's DOGE team only has "read-only" access, meaning they can’t directly stop payments or reroute funds.
But if history has taught us anything, it's that when Musk is given an inch, he tends to take over an entire industry (and then run it into the ground).
Theoretically, this newfound access could allow Musk to:
Freeze government funding for programs he doesn’t like, such as Medicaid, Meals on Wheels, or—God forbid—public transportation.
Manipulate federal contracts to blacklist competitors while conveniently ensuring that SpaceX, Tesla, and any other Muskian endeavor get an uninterrupted flow of taxpayer money.
Turn the government into Twitter 2.0, where services suddenly shut down for no reason, and if you complain, your Social Security benefits get suspended.
And let’s not forget the biggest concern: data.
With access to the Treasury’s payment system, Musk and his cronies potentially have visibility into the financial details of every single taxpayer in the country.
What’s Next?
It’s unclear how this will all unfold, but Musk is already making grandiose claims about “shutting down illegal payments” and fixing inefficiencies in federal spending. Because if there’s one thing he’s known for, it’s making wildly ambitious promises that absolutely, definitely come true.
Meanwhile, the Office of Personnel Management—essentially the federal government’s HR department—has reportedly been locked out of its own system by DOGE operatives, which raises an entirely separate set of dystopian concerns.
Government officials who are supposed to oversee all this? Yeah, they were fired last week. Totally normal.
Is This a Coup?
Musk is neither an elected official nor a Senate-confirmed appointee. He’s just… there. Running things. Deciding which parts of the government work and which don’t. All thanks to a mere $288 million in political donations to Trump’s campaign—a drop in the bucket for the world’s richest man.
And that’s the thing: Elon Musk didn’t need to win an election or pass any laws to gain influence over the financial backbone of the federal government. He just bought it.
Welcome to the future. Hope you like Dogecoin.
Za-Head