Elon Musk Declares Government a Failing Startup, Proceeds to Run It Like One
Mass layoffs, unpaid bills, and loyalty tests—Washington gets the full Xperience.
In a shocking yet completely predictable move, Elon Musk has taken his “move fast, break everything, fire everyone” philosophy to the federal government, causing absolute bedlam at the newly established Department of Government Efficiency (DOGE).
Under Musk’s leadership, government workers now face layoffs via Twitter DMs, policy decisions based on meme polls, and budget cuts executed with the grace of a SpaceX rocket explosion.
His strategy, which worked wonders for the financial stability of Twitter, is expected to deliver the same results to Washington: lawsuits, unpaid bills, and a level of chaos that even Congress would find impressive.
“Extremely Hardcore” Governance Begins
Musk, who received President Donald Trump’s blessing to reshape the government in his image, has wasted no time in implementing his signature slash-and-burn tactics.
Career officials have been sidelined, government functions have been outsourced to AI bots, and all workers have been ordered to show up in person—except Musk himself, who continues to work remotely from his private jet.
DOGE insiders describe the atmosphere as “like working for a tech startup where the only benefits are daily humiliation and an imminent pink slip.”
Employees have reportedly been asked to print out their work and present it for review, an old-school method that somehow feels even more dystopian under Musk’s watch.
“It’s a fear and intimidation tactic,” said former Twitter executive Rumman Chowdhury, adding that Musk’s leadership style resembles a reality show where the only prize is surviving another day.
Elon’s Master Plan: Fire Everyone, Sue Everyone, Auction the Furniture
If Musk’s Twitter playbook is any indication, government offices will soon be auctioning off everything from the Lincoln Desk to the White House coffee machine.
Early reports suggest that the Capitol Rotunda may be repurposed as a Tesla showroom, while the National Archives could soon be home to a Musk-backed “free speech absolutist” social media platform, where the Constitution will be rewritten via crowd-sourced blockchain voting.
Lawsuits have already begun piling up, mirroring the never-ending legal battles that have plagued Twitter.
In a move of sheer capitalist pettiness, Musk has also filed a lawsuit against brands that stopped advertising with Twitter—accusing companies like Unilever, Mars, and CVS Health of engaging in an “illegal boycott” (also known as “not wanting to burn ad dollars on a sinking ship”).
Loyalty Tests, Fealty Pledges, and Forks in the Road
Taking a page straight out of a dystopian novel, Musk has introduced “performances of loyalty” at DOGE.
Employees are reportedly required to justify their existence every morning in all-hands meetings, with those failing to do so given two choices: accept a “deferred resignation offer” or be reassigned to a Neuralink clinical trial.
“Fork in the Road,” the ominously titled email sent to government employees, mirrors the same ultimatum Musk issued to Twitter staff in 2022: commit to an “extremely hardcore” work environment or leave. It’s the kind of motivational leadership usually reserved for cults, high-pressure sales jobs, and tech billionaires who think they’re above labor laws.
Washington Isn’t a Startup, But Try Telling Elon That
Despite Musk’s best efforts to run the government like one of his companies, legal experts predict that his ambitions will face constitutional hurdles. Nicholas Bagley, a law professor at the University of Michigan, warned that Musk’s cost-cutting measures are on shaky legal ground. “Spending power belongs to Congress, not to Musk,” Bagley noted. “Also, the government typically frowns upon billionaires refusing to pay rent.”
Even Musk’s most ardent supporters are beginning to question his approach.
Venture capitalist Paul Graham recently advised Musk to “take your time and do it carefully,” adding, “This isn’t just another failing company you can pivot—it’s the actual system holding society together.”
Will Musk Survive Washington?
For now, Musk remains undeterred. His chaotic vision for the federal government continues full steam ahead, with plans to replace the IRS with Dogecoin, convert the National Weather Service into a paid premium service (“Weather+”), and declare California an “unnecessary expense.”
Whether Musk will succeed in turning the government into a profitable venture remains to be seen, but if his track record at X is anything to go by, one thing is certain: this administration will be extremely hardcore—at least until the lawsuits hit.
Za-Head